MY FIRST WEEK AT UCLA | College Talks

Here I am in front of Royce Hall after having
just explored Powell Library (during which I
ditched my orientation for my major). What
a treat! I appear happier than I actually was.

Hello, fellow Nurds!

I just completed my first week at UCLA and it was filled with all sorts of roller coasters, from socializing and meeting new people to getting lost and getting lost again (and almost getting lost one more time); I'm not really good with directions, as you've probably guessed.

This post will be pretty raw. I'm writing all sorts of things I've been feeling, but haven't really said out loud, like how lonely I feel. Let's start with that, actually.

I thought university and dorm life would change how lonely I feel, but in some way, solidarity picks up right where it left off in my life. I don't know. I should be happy and love myself, but that's kind of hard to get by. I have a rough exterior that sheds and sheds but regrows its layers with even more texture, complexity, and asperity with a bit more moisture with each and every layer.

I'd be kidding myself if I was saying I wasn't happier; I am. Fortunately. But I'm not a changed person. I'm the same person--as awkward as could be--I just don't exactly feel the same. I'm not as sharp, introspective. . .. I'm too concerned with having guys like me than focusing on my own needs and interests. 

Me attempting to get my life together. Don't think it's
working out so smoothly. 

What was I expecting anyway? I came here firstly, because of the opportunities, secondly, because it's good that a school took a chance on me despite me feeling that I don't deserve their services, and thirdly because it reminded me of Zoey 101. That last part is probably the truest, so I think I ranked all of that wrong. Anyways, my life is not going to be like the school lives of characters in a television show. 

In some ways, though, it's everything I've expected and in some ways, it's insurmountable to what I could have ever imagined. Namely, I walk down the halls, and it's like I'm walking down a hotel or, well a hallway that separates dorms from each other (which is exactly what the halls do) 

One thing I'm particularly struggling with is letting go of the past. I've always imagined college as the bridge to having a family and kids, although that may not be everyone's reality. I certainly want to have kids; marriage, on the other hand, is another story. However, I had been a kid for most of my life that it's hard to believe that after this stage of my life (besides, perhaps grad school), I ḿay very well be having kids. Additionally, it's hard to stop thinking about all the stuff I could have done in my life that I just didn't. I should appreciate that my life brought me here, to UCLA, even if I did fail more than I succeeded (so I felt). 

Me studying outside Café 1919

My fake smile constantly meets an assuring, yet perhaps an equally preoccupied smile. It's never going to end. I'm awkward, and even more so when I meet multiple people all at once. Case and point, my theatre orientation. On Monday, I had orientation for my major (theatre) and it started decently. What should have taken me 23 minutes to get to took me an hour to find. Lovely. I arrived and ate multiple muffins to compensate for my lack of socializing. 

I entered and sat by myself, just the way I liked. I saw my screenwriting professor present our guest speaker, fellow UCLA alum, Nancy Cartwright, also known as Bart Simpson (as well as various other voices from The Simpsons), Chuckie from Rugrats, Rufus from Kim Possible, and more! She was incredibly hilarious, empowering, and poised. Her humanly personality translates as the type of person I would like to be someday, as she sat there discussing the movie she had recently written and produced: In Search of Fellini. Cartwright used her characters' voices throughout the interview and explained how UCLA influenced her career and outlook on life as well as the story behind this movie below, some of which was actually based on her own experience!

Me after a socially exhausting day

When I'm in a room of extroverts, it's intimidating to be an ambivert. I feel alone and out of my element. I don't feel myself. I feel fake and begin to hate myself more than I already do, especially when reflected on in hindsight. When I started classes this past Thursday, that's exactly what happened as it seemed that everyone already knew each other, those extroverted, personable peeps. And then me. Needless to say, I got into my own head and ruined my first and only day of classes for the week (as classes started Thursday, September 28 and I don't have a Friday class). At least I can admit that I ruined my own day. 

Luckily, however, I am starting on some track that will get me where I feel I want to be.

However, I've really forgotten what I love to do, what makes me intrinsically happy. Grades aren't something I'm really worried about striving for these days. It's taken me awhile to remember what I even want to do in the short-run, let alone the long-run.

I've been writing a French journal every week to keep myself accountable for the French that I'm teaching myself--grammar, syntax, vocab, the whole shebang. It's going swimmingly. Très magnifique! I journal in this wonderful Paris notebook; it's very fitting! :D

Additionally, I'm writing music, poetry, and more, which is a relief. They keep me sane and help me cope with the loneliness, I guess. I'm irritating people by singing as loudly and obnoxiously as I possibly could in one of the lounges on our floor. What a great experience! 

Great view of the residence halls!

I've joined many clubs at the enormous activities fair this past Tuesday and I can't wait to meet many new and different people as well as start to volunteer in ways I've only imagined. I've been meaning to advocate in a broader scope and thank gosh I have the opportunity to help the LA community through some of these clubs! Hopefully, I can extend these opportunities to the world at large, especially through the Hunger Project, a club in which we feed the homeless throughout LA as well as eat with them and hear the stories and background of these individuals. I also want to participate in The Daily Bruin, UCLA's longest running student newspaper, as well as OutWrite, which is the LGBTQ+ student newspaper. As a queer individual, I want to lend my voice, pen, and experiences to expand my advocacy to this community. 

In other news, I'm starting hormones ASAP. I've already gotten some lab tests done. I hope this sparks some relief and felicitations to my heart and brain. Going into my appointment, I felt like an adult, because, well, I made my own appointment and discussed adult things with an adult professional. I'm kind of proud of myself. These are moments I enjoy. I don't care if the effects of the hormones don't kick in until months 3-7 of taking hormones; I just appreciate the process and journey, truly!

The closest to me hooking up with someone

I'm discovering so much about others, just by observation that it's overwhelming to invest myself in the lives of those who don't really care about me, those I want to care about me for some strange reason. Like I said, this is raw. I guess some of these ideas I'm just realizing. Others I've probably been feeling but haven't expressed, admitted, or verbalized in any way. As someone who's thrived by talking to herself, it's hard to not talk to myself without others thinking I'm crazy, not that I should care what others think about me. 

Whenever I look around, it's hard not to be disappointed in society, this generation though it's hard not to conversely recognize the brilliance in this generation. 

Disappointment. It's nothing new to me. We've acquainted. We're pretty familiar. That's both a good a bad feat. I'm human, so it's basically expected. I'm currently having trouble trying to enroll in a Spanish class that, after having only attended the first day, I immediately loved. I love improving my language skills. There's so much you forget if you're not keeping yourself active with your language skills. I try to keep busy and active when it comes to Spanish and French and still, things slip. All is forgiven. When I am insisted to take a fucking Tai Chi class instead of Spanish, all is not forgiven. In fact, all is a problem. I will not postpone my strong interest in Spanish to take a course that isn't even required. I'd be wasting my time. 

Me eating unhealthy food for dinner, while writing
in my French journal.

As I hear a party right around the corner and witness pregaming young adults who are probably too young to drink by legal standards, I wonder if I'll have a chance to do what I actually want to do in life in just this short amount of time that I'm here at this school. Feeling I've basically wasted my last four years of life, I don't want to sacrifice my pursuits, passions, and hobbies just to cater to some education. Education is much more than reading a book and taking notes from lectures; it's applied and if there is some intrinsic motivation, even better! Keep that drive and use it to guide a pathway wherein you could step into some uncharted territory, leap into lost waters and just explore what's out there, what you want to learn. We learn from failure, from venturing. Let's do it, Nurds.

I hope you enjoyed this post. I'm not sure, but I think this post is more for me than you. I shan't apologize for that. It's my blog and I can basically rant, reflect, or write as I please. I do, however, hope that you enjoyed it and can relate at some points. Maybe we could help each other.